Smile Lines

While out in the town, I saw an elderly couple holding hands while they were walking. As they approached, I commented on how romantic it was.

He replied, "We have been holding hands when we go out in public for over thirty years. I have to. If I let go, she shops."

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.  - George Burns

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle.  During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer it.  "It's the minister, Mum," the child said to her mother.
Then she told her caller:  “Mummy can't come to the phone right now.  She's hitting the bottle."

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual Bonfire Night special.  Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. I know it's against your religion, but you don't know what you're missing. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The minister is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the minister’s mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.

An infants’ teacher gave her class a ‘show and tell’ assignment. Each student was asked to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion..
Benjamin got up in front of the class and said:  “I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
Mary stood up next, and said: “I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
Then Tim stood up.  “I am a Methodist, and this is a casserole."

A well-worn five-pound note and a similarly distressed twenty-pound note arrived at the Bank of England to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-pound bill mused:  "I've had a pretty good life.  Why I've been to London and Las Vegas and Hong Kong and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the five-pound note. "You've really had an exciting time!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been?”
The five-pound note replied, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Anglican Church, and once even to the United Reform Church..."
The twenty-pound note interrupted, "What's a church?"

A man had been feeling depressed for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went in, lay on the couch, and poured his heart out over all his problems.  He then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes, then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes.  Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Well, I think your problem is low self-esteem. But don’t worry, it is very common among losers." 

My three year-old niece, Kelly, went with a neighbour’s little girl to church for her First Communion practice. The minister had the children cup their hands, and then went solemnly down the line, giving each child a piece of bread, and intoning: "God be with you".

Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, "God will get you." 

Ted was driving down the street in a panic because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said: "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up the whisky."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Ted gulped hard, and prayed again:  “Never mind, Lord. I found one."

The Baptist preacher finished his sermon, led the last hymn, and proceeded to the back of the church to shake hands as the congregation left. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand.
As he was doing so he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?"
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher protested.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had, and I want to help you."

I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

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